Raised in the shadow of a church that prized performance over presence, David Hockman grew up believing that God's love had conditions-and that he was always one mistake away from losing it. In this vulnerable and piercingly honest memoir, Hockman traces the years of navigating a rigid Church of Christ community, where salvation came with formulas, friendship required conformity, and shame often arrived dressed as holiness.

From playground blackmail to Sunday school guilt, from repeated bullying to a desperate desire for connection, David's formative years were marked by a quiet ache to belong to his peers, to his family, to God. He shares the story of a young man with two versions of himself: one that performed well at church and home, and one who felt like an outsider everywhere else. That young man would grow into a successful surgeon who continued to suffer the mental, emotional, and spiritual damage of religious legalism.

With raw recollection and poetic reflection, David's story dares to ask the harder questions about faith, fear, and the kind of love that might exist beyond performance. It's a story for anyone who has ever felt they had to earn love in church, at home, or within themselves, and is still looking for the freedom to simply be.